ego schmego

Last night I went out with the not-worth-the-risk boy previously introduced in this recent post. I did this against pleas from my friends to do otherwise, against my own knowledge of his somewhat shady behavior and constant ambiguity, and in spite of the fact that any potential for authenticity between us had been mostly wasted on three weeks of unproductive text messaging.

I’ve been thinking today about why I went, when all signs pointed me in the opposite direction, why I just had to see this boy again even though I wasn’t sure I actually wanted to do so. It had been three weeks since we last saw each other, and I’d spent most of that time being frustrated with his lack of follow-through, his uncertain intentions, his failure to find time to meet up. Life is busy, I know, but surely he could set aside at least one evening—an hour, even—to spend with a girl in whom he purports to be interested.

This boy’s behavior is maddening and confusing and usually inconsiderate. And yet I can’t just let it go. I can’t cut loose whatever ties exist between us and move on. Why did I see him last night? Because I wanted to prove us both wrong. I wanted to show him I’m worth his while, that he would be lucky to be with me. And I wanted to prove to myself that I’m good enough for him, that his ambiguous actions and intentional distancing are not caused by a shortcoming on my part.

Fortunately, I was successful in the latter endeavor, as I came away from the evening feeling more confident than when I went in, convinced I am quite worthy of the boy’s affections. My efforts to persuade said boy of the same produced mostly inconclusive results. He remained generally disengaged for the majority of the night and did very little to make me feel welcome among his friends—who, for their part, picked up his slack quite nicely. The boy was lukewarm at best. And yet, as the action wound down, I found myself going home with him, spending the night there, though I knew at the time that I shouldn’t.

Do I really require this kind of validation to maintain an acceptable level of self-confidence? And do I really want to continue sometimes seeing a boy whose interest in me is uncertain, whose attention is so clearly and completely turned inward at all times? Even I can see this arrangement leaves much to be desired and I’d like to believe I deserve better than what this boy has to offer at the moment. Still, I’m hesitant to separate myself entirely from the situation and I feel compelled to perpetuate this nonexistent relationship for the sake of my ego alone. Because, honestly, there’s not that much about this kid to which I feel particularly attracted. Physically, yes, I feel a connection, but otherwise, my interest in him has been reduced to a pathetic need to feel wanted by him in return. And that is mostly just sad.