open letter of thanks to (marky) mark wahlberg

Mark,

Last night as I scanned the radio stations in my car, I was compelled to stop said scanning and tune in when I heard your song Good Vibrations emanating from my speakers. I was swept up by the song, started singing along to the occasional line and even dancing a little in my seat while I drove, as though controlled by the powers (of pop music) that be. I effectively car-danced and poorly-sung my way through over half the song before becoming baffled by my own behavior and the apparent ease with which I had surrendered to your supposedly good vibrations. I’d been wooed by your music in spite of its artistic inadequacies, and I was concerned by how quickly (and completely) I’d succumbed. Had I lost my appetite for actual talent?

For a brief moment, I mourned the death of my once-decent taste in music, confused by its sudden abandonment of me (and my now unarmored ears). But I soon realized the error of my assessment, relieved to discover my sense of skillful song-writing and singing still intact even amidst my enjoyment of your generally uninspired track. The truth was I liked the song not for its exceptional sound, but for the image of you it aroused in my mind. That’s right, Mark. Your music matters only as a means to an end—that end being you in your gorgeous (and hopefully shirtless) physical glory.

And, on that note, I’d like to take this opportunity to officially thank you for ditching your Funky Bunch in favor of a film career (and the occasional half-naked Calvin Klein underwear ad) which affords us the luxury of watching you strip down on screen fairly frequently, while saving us from painful exposure to your ill-advised vocal stylings. Because, let’s face it, Mark, your body (pecs, abs, the like) is far more enticing than your body of work (so-called songs). So, stick to the movies (in which mute is an option) and underwear modeling, at which you—on account of your near-perfect physique—so effortlessly excel. Your fans will thank you.

For coming to terms with your lack of true musical talent, for embracing your body and obvious good looks, for putting them on public display for our viewing pleasure, we applaud you. Cheers to you, Mark. Cheers to you.


Also: I'm available.