i wouldn’t date me. you shouldn’t either.

I’ve decided that relationships are dangerous. At least in my case, as I have the bad—and somewhat pitiable—habit of losing myself entirely as I grow increasingly more distracted by the individual with whom I am involved. For this reason (and a few others I will refrain from mentioning here), I have had very few romances in my lifetime—namely, two legitimate and one of the non-relationship variety. Truthfully, I dislike the girlfriend (or, non-girlfriend, as the case may be) version of myself enough to avoid becoming her if at all possible. She’s boring and weak and irrationally insecure.

Unfortunately, successfully escaping this role requires a great deal of self-awareness and discipline—which can sometimes be hard to come by when confronted by an attractive and interested-in-me male for whom I have a certain affinity. As a result, I have occasionally gotten lost in dangerous relationships without realizing I have done so, sacrificing self in almost complete ignorance of my actions.

In an attempt to prevent this pattern from continuing, I’ve opted to consciously avoid all romantic interaction for a while, choosing to focus on getting myself together instead of entering into another unhealthy, self-obscuring relationship.

To assist me in my efforts, I have asked my hilarious and helpful and (conveniently) homosexual coworker, D., to harass me as much as possible during his shift. He has kindly agreed to periodically grab my ass throughout the day to ensure my appetite for the Mens does not go entirely unappeased. If that’s not friendship, I don’t know what is.