for the (romantic) record

Someone somewhere has been placing personal ads in my name, requesting responses from prospective suitors meeting one or more of the following criteria:

1. Emotionally unavailable
2. Already in a relationship
3. Twenty years (at least) my senior
4. Prettier than me
5. Only in it for the action (see: just not that into me, except for the ass)

The worst part is, this person’s entertainment at my expense has exposed the pathetic truth: I am apparently (and actually) attracted to the aforementioned attributes.

The (antidotal) purpose of this post is, thus, threefold:

1. To ask that said placer of personal ads please refrain from further publication, at least those in which she professes to be me and attempts to procure an ill-suited (but somehow still appealing) partner for my dating pleasure.
2. To implore the ad answerers to suspend all responding, as their claims to the qualities contained therein makes them not more enticing or charming, but less.
3. To officially renounce my ludicrous love(?) life and my gratuitous romantic ignorance, in the interest of authentic intimacy.