not how i planned it
Some days, I feel inadequate. As I consider the lives of friends—with their consistently-forward motion and their big-life-decision-making—I can’t help but feel that I’m falling behind.
Some days, I breathe a sigh of relief, and settle in to the freedom my life affords me.
Lately, it’s been more of the former, an overwhelming anxiety about my uncertain future and a sense that I’m not where I should be right now.
My friends are engaged, or they’re married already. They’re soon-to-be-lawyers and soon-to-be-teachers. They’re mothers. They’re pregnant. They’re actresses wowing the world (or Chicago, as it were) with their talent.
Sometimes it seems like I can’t quite keep up.
And the truth is sometimes I’m not sure that I want to.
Marriage and children. Courtrooms and classrooms. I know I’m not cut out for any of it. But, in spite of that knowledge, I feel pressure to impress, to legitimize my seemingly meaningless life somehow. Because writing about kissing and cake and whiskey consumption—fun as it is—doesn’t do much to justify my existence.
The frustration lies in not knowing what I want, in feeling paralyzed by uncertainty and apprehension. In the fear that I’m taking too long to decide.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
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2 comments:
Life's not a race and there is no finish line - it's more like an endless set of stairs with many landings. Landings that adjust automatically in length to accommodate the pace and length of stride one need to reach the next flight of stairs. Each landing symbolizes different levels of so-called public achievement – graduate school, marriage, children and fame. When in reality the landings morph – adapt to accept without prejudice, but the sneaky little bastard parasites (frustration and inadequacy) lie in wait. They’re patient, they wait, they attach when one stands still. They don’t discriminate (no landing is exempt) – they wait… they for the stop. The only way to lose the little bastards is to move! Some move fast – some move slow. It’s not a race; there is no finish line.
Thor
You are more than adequate. You are essential. Always. Everyday. You see the world in ways that others can't. Because no one is you. And you tackle the world in ways that no one else can. Because YOU are you. And "you?" Well, you is pretty amazing, indeed.
Love you. Bunches. Also: I'm calling you right now. :)
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