spring (un)cleaning

Yesterday was one of those not-as-clean-as-I-could-be kind of days, an aesthetically and aromatically challenging day, a day during which I relied heavily on my power of personality to rescue me from the greasy-haired, questionably-clothed, (almost endearingly) disheveled hell into which I might otherwise have hopelessly descended. And the (frightening) truth is, I had fun being filthy. So, in the interest of imparting (possibly unwanted) wisdom, here are some hints for getting dirty and digging it:

- Decide to forego shampooing in favor of simply wetting your hair sans soap of any sort. Forget that your locks haven’t been washed in three days and two runs, and ignore the salt still lingering, the faint smell of sweat (of which you excrete exorbitantly unfeminine amounts) leftover from yesterday.

- After affixing hair to head with bobbies (thankful your tresses do not yet appear oily), slide cleverly duct-taped skirt carefully over unshaven (for days) legs. Feel proud for two reasons: 1) your superbly-stubbled shins, and 2) your ability to hem without sewing at all.

- Slip into your loosely-laced, never-untied, once-white-now-coffee-colored sneakers. Briefly recall that time you so daintily dumped an urn filter completely full of coffee onto your feet, thus rendering your shoes unrecognizable (though not, you insist, in any way unwearable. Bonus points if you can actually feel the floor against your heels through the holes in your soles.)

- Neglect to apply deodorant before leaving for work.

- Arrive at work and remember you’ve forgotten your underarm armor. Hope you’ll stay sweet-smelling in spite of your error. Act like you’re “Sure”, though you’re actually skeptical.

- Put away the supply order (i.e. lift heavy boxes for an hour). Start sweating, like you do. Realize your degree of cleanliness has begun its decline, and at an impressively rapid rate.

- Start to suspect that smell is you. Attempt to be funny, hoping to deflect any observation by others of the slowly encroaching odor. Laugh loudly to encourage the same from your coworkers, hoping that will keep them (occupied and) unaware of all olfactory stimulation.

- Climb into your car at shift’s end, ecstatic to finally be free to get clean. Glance in the rearview mirror only to see a piece of broccoli you consumed two hours earlier lying lodged in between two of your front(ish) teeth. Opt for amusement over embarrassment.

- Once at home, decide to fully embrace your stink by donning a pair of twice-worn shorts for your run, matching them with a two-day-dirtied T-shirt, and topping (or bottoming) that off with slightly soiled socks and mud-covered shoes. Find it surprising (and alarming) that you seem to smell fresher now than you did all day at work. Reflect on that fact as you run.

- Shower. Wash your hair. With shampoo. Look forward to tomorrow, expecting you’ll appear pretty and pristine in comparison to today.