niceties

The line separating compliment from its neighbors insult and observation is blurry and obscured. The world in which all three reside is dangerous territory, as each may be easily mistaken for the other two, and the intent of the speaker does not always match the interpretation of she who receives. Thus, we may believe we’re being complimentary when, in fact, we’re just being rude. Here are some of the more slippery slopes down which our good intentions may quickly (and unexpectedly) slide:

The Open-Ended Observation Leaving Room For Insult Slope: Alternately referred to as the Slope of Captain Obvious, this pertains to comments such as, “You got a haircut” or “You pierced your nose,” which manage to unnecessarily highlight a specific detail (probably recently and noticeably altered) of another person’s appearance without committing to either a positive or negative impression of said detail. The individual about whom the observation is made must then determine the intended meaning of the statement given. Failing to commit is usually a nice way of acknowledging a change while avoiding the insulting truth: We don’t like what you’ve done to your hair or nose.

The Insult Disguised As An Observation Slope: “You look tired” is the most common comment of this variety. Sure, it sounds harmless in the way it’s phrased, showing no signs of judgment or criticism, but (and, let’s be honest here) who wants to hear they look tired? As a barista who wakes up at 4:30am for work, I strongly advise against verbalizing this type of observation. The suggestion here is that I have unattractive bags/dark circles under my eyes—telltale signs of my supposed tiredness. Even if I am exhausted, I’d like to pretend I look otherwise to others; I’d like to believe I’m bright-eyed and beautiful in spite of all sleep deprivation. If you tell me I look tired, I will be insulted.

The Compliment With Implied Insult Slope: In this case, a legitimate compliment is given, but the insult imbedded within is (sadly) overlooked. This happens frequently when we’re faced with friends we haven’t seen for an extended period of time. We think we’re being nice by saying, “You look great” or “You’ve lost weight,” because we genuinely mean what we’ve said. We don’t realize we’re implying that perhaps the person we’re praising did not look so great last time we saw them, or, even worse, that they were fat. So, be careful with your compliments. They may bring along their (unwanted and undetected) friend, Insult.

The Insult Masquerading As A Harmless Personal Opinion Slope: Allow me to offer a specific example here . . . A coworker of mine recently dyed her red hair black, bored by the monotony of her natural color. Her motivation was not vanity (she did not go black to become more attractive) but, rather, variety; she was aching for change. A (very outspoken) customer of ours exclaimed, upon seeing the darkened tresses for the first time, “I liked your hair better red.” This statement may be seen as simply an expression of personal preference. In reality, it’s just offensive. In this kind of situation, it’s advisable to say nothing.

The You Say PotAYto I Say PotAHto Slope: What is complimentary in one person’s eyes is not always complimentary in the eyes of another. It’s important to read your audience before delivering (what you believe to be) a compliment. Just last night, my (non)boyfriend (don’t ask) poked my ass playfully and commented upon its response to said poking: “It jiggles,” he remarked. Seeing that I was offended by his word choice, he tried to recover by referring to my rear end as a “Bubble Butt.” I was not honored by or pleased with the reference. To him, the jiggling of my bum was an asset (pun intended) of which I should be proud. To me, his observations were insulting. Phrase your compliments cautiously. In the scenario I’ve described, telling your (non)girlfriend she has a nice ass is probably more appropriate than likening it to a bubble.

As a kid, I was always told that if I didn’t have something nice to say, it was better to say nothing at all. Apparently, being nice is more complicated than it seems.